Post by Eric on Aug 23, 2008 18:32:38 GMT
My first ride up the ‘Cut’ by Eric Bates (tongue-in-cheek).
Hi folks,
I would like to share with everyone how my first ride up the ‘Cut’ went. This report is aimed at anybody who, like me, has always been a bit intimidated by the ride and may even be referred to as a late starter on this issue. So read on and don’t be afraid of the ride because it may even… well read on and find out…
I picked up my BIG/ELDER/OLDER brother Doug at 6.25 am. The first thing he says:
‘Are you creamed up for the ride?’
‘I sure am’ I said confidently, ‘this body is creamed up and raring to go.’
‘What did you use?’
‘Factor 50! No sunburn for me eh?’
Factor 50? SUNCREAM??? That’s not what I meant.’
‘What did you mean?’
‘I meant cream for your bleedin a*$@.’
‘Oh right, but sure I wont get sunburned there will I? What kind of a ride is this ‘Cut’?’
‘No you won’t get sunburned there but you will have a sore one if you aren’t used to this kind of ride! You’ll be in the saddle for hours. You should have used Sudocream or Vaseline.’
‘Vaseline? Ah hang on a minute Doug, what’s going on here?’
As he sat in the van with his head in his hands the penny finally dropped.
‘Oh right, you meant cream for my ehh behind… I see … OK …. Well I’m sure I’ll be …’
A few minutes of silence passed as he looked out the window. I thought I heard sobbing coming from his direction but it could have been the radio.
‘Did you have something to eat before you left?’
‘Yeah, I made sure this turbo was well charged.’
‘What did you have?’
I’ had a bowl of porridge with raisins and nuts –‘
‘Good that’s grand.’
‘and a bowl of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes (I love them) and a couple of Weetabix and two slices of toast with peanut butter and jam.’
He sat looking at me.
‘Is that all?’
‘No I had a smoothie as well – smoothies the athletes drink eh? – oh and a couple of cups of coffee. You know, give me a caffeine buzz!’
‘Jesus Christ Eric, you won’t be able to move?’
‘Why not?’
‘It will take your body hours to get through all that.’
‘I brought a protein shake for after it as well, or should I drink it before?’
‘For Gods sake don’t eat anything more or you will be f*&^%$ before the ride.’
He thought about what he said and turned and looked out the window. This time as he sat looking out the window I definitely saw his shoulders shaking.
‘Are you OK Doug?’
‘Yeah,’ he croaked, ‘just thinking of something I saw last night, it was funny.’
We arrived at the car park to see Gerry Duffy and Andrew Fay getting themselves ready. I wanted to look for evidence of them being creamed up but I decided against it as I didn’t really know them well enough to be caught looking and I didn’t want to ask them either. A thought crossed my mind as I looked at Gerry getting set up. Here was a man who did an Ironman and I suppose in a way he could be called a Man of Steel. In the comic tradition the Man Of Steel is Superman. So there I was looking at ‘Superman’ getting ready for the ride. But Andrew was standing beside him and I had a vision of Batman & Robin instead of Superman. But it was Batman & Robin as portrayed by Del Boy and Rodney in Only fools & Horses. Gerry was Rodney and Andrew was Del Boy! I felt really bad about this so I put the thought from my head and tried not picture the episode where they turn up at the funeral dressed as Batman & Robin ….
Off we went on the bikes. It was a nice flat cycle to the base of the ‘Cut’. About 10 miles. As we cycled along we chatted about this and that. In my training the longest I have cycled is about 20 miles so when we were nearly at the base I was congratulating myself on getting this far. Gerry then informed me that at a certain point up the ‘Cut’ there was a defibrillator and proceeded to give me instructions on how to self-administer the device.
We took the last turn and finally the ‘Cut’ was in front of me. We set off. I insisted to the lads that they not wait on me but go on ahead. The words were only half way out of mouth when I noticed their backsides disappearing around the distant bend.
The Ascent.
I settled into a nice easy rhythm in my absolutely lowest gear. I controlled my breathing and counted my cadences (?) and kept my rhythm going. Breathe, push, pedal, breathe, push, pedal…
After 5 minutes of this torture I just abandoned that completely and started blowing like a beached whale as I realised this tussle wasn’t going to be as easy as I had imagined.
At last I reached the first bend and thought to myself, well done there can’t be much further to go! I was sorely disappointed as I rounded the next bend and saw this hill continued. That must be it I thought. The lads are probably off their bikes and enjoying the view.
No! I was wrong again. After the third bend I caught a glimpse of the road in the distance. A mountain, I thought, we are riding up a bleedin mountain! I set my sights on the next bend, determined to reach it. With this unwavering resolve now gripped firmly by the throat I took a brief moment to stop and rest my legs! Pace yourself Eric I thought. Don’t blow out at the start of the ride. I mounted once more and away I went.
10 minutes later I was still cycling up the hill.
All the time I was expecting the lads go whizzing by me. Maybe something happened to them I thought. I looked at my surroundings and realised there were no more houses around me. The wind whistled in my ears and it hit me that I was cycling through the set of one of those movies where bad things happen to people who stray of the beaten track. There were no signs of life and now my movie filled imagination started to fill in the gaps. Wrong Turn, The Hills Have Eyes, Hostel, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Jeepers Creepers….
I felt claustrophobic as the trees hemmed in the road on either side and seemed to funnel me up the ‘Cut’. In the distance I saw something jump across the road. As I approached – very slowly – I saw it was a large frog. Uggggghhh! No, it was a rat I. That was a sign surely of Bad Things. Even the rats were running away from the Bad People from the movie. As I got closer I saw it was a Nutri-Grain wrapper blowing in the wind. Whewww! What a close shave!
10 minutes later I was still cycling up the hill.
At this point the weather cleared a bit and I had a fantastic view of the surroundings. The view is breathtaking. But then so is trying to cycle up the bleedin mountain so I felt this was a little unfair. The view should have been ordinary or the type that you would look at and say – yeah, it’s alright, NOT breathtaking or anything…
10 minutes later I was still cycling up the hill.
I was now convinced the lads had come down by a back door and were now at the bottom laughing their heads of at the new boy still trying to go where no cyclist had gone before. It was with this thought in mind that I noticed something in the distance. It was bright and yellow and for a minute I wondered what Big Bird from Sesame Street was doing here. Then I saw it was moving too fast. It was the lads! Thank God!!
As Doug went whizzing by me he shouted ‘You can turn back if you want toooooooo’. All of a sudden I was back in the Aquathons trying to swim the 750m in Lilliput and the canoeist was over to me saying ‘grab the boat, it’s not cheating, you are allowed to…’
I gripped the handlebars and got out of the saddle and said ‘NO’. I will complete this ride. With this firm determination evident on my face Gerry Duffy whizzed by and shouted ‘You are nearly there, nearly thereeeeeee…’
That thoroughly deflated me. You see I have a theory. In anything I have taken part in so far I have found the Marshalls to be great if slightly twisted with the truth. When I am ragged and running out of steam a Marshall always seems to shout ‘go on, you’re nearly there, nearly there.’ And afterwards you find out you weren’t but the Marshall was trying to help you because you looked in bits. So now I thought, Jaysus, it must be miles away… and I must be in bits because Gerry is telling me I am nearly there…. but Lo! and Behold! As I turned the next bend I could see a sign! It was a sign. I was nearly there. I gathered myself and the last remnants of my strength and powered up the last section at just short of a crawling pace. At the peak I punched the air like Rocky! I then nearly fell of the bike on the gravel but fortunately retained control. At last, at last I was up the ‘Cut’. Go me, I thought. I reckon it took me about 40 minutes to do.
The Descent.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… six minutes later I was at the bottom having realised that if God had wanted us to move that fast he would have given us wheels instead of legs.
The Aftermath.
In fairness I have to say it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be and I really enjoyed the feeling of reaching the top. The lads were great and gave great encouragement. It was the longest time I have ever spent in the saddle and as I sit and type this I have come to the conclusion that I will be well creamed up for the next ride.
Regards
Eric
Hi folks,
I would like to share with everyone how my first ride up the ‘Cut’ went. This report is aimed at anybody who, like me, has always been a bit intimidated by the ride and may even be referred to as a late starter on this issue. So read on and don’t be afraid of the ride because it may even… well read on and find out…
I picked up my BIG/ELDER/OLDER brother Doug at 6.25 am. The first thing he says:
‘Are you creamed up for the ride?’
‘I sure am’ I said confidently, ‘this body is creamed up and raring to go.’
‘What did you use?’
‘Factor 50! No sunburn for me eh?’
Factor 50? SUNCREAM??? That’s not what I meant.’
‘What did you mean?’
‘I meant cream for your bleedin a*$@.’
‘Oh right, but sure I wont get sunburned there will I? What kind of a ride is this ‘Cut’?’
‘No you won’t get sunburned there but you will have a sore one if you aren’t used to this kind of ride! You’ll be in the saddle for hours. You should have used Sudocream or Vaseline.’
‘Vaseline? Ah hang on a minute Doug, what’s going on here?’
As he sat in the van with his head in his hands the penny finally dropped.
‘Oh right, you meant cream for my ehh behind… I see … OK …. Well I’m sure I’ll be …’
A few minutes of silence passed as he looked out the window. I thought I heard sobbing coming from his direction but it could have been the radio.
‘Did you have something to eat before you left?’
‘Yeah, I made sure this turbo was well charged.’
‘What did you have?’
I’ had a bowl of porridge with raisins and nuts –‘
‘Good that’s grand.’
‘and a bowl of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes (I love them) and a couple of Weetabix and two slices of toast with peanut butter and jam.’
He sat looking at me.
‘Is that all?’
‘No I had a smoothie as well – smoothies the athletes drink eh? – oh and a couple of cups of coffee. You know, give me a caffeine buzz!’
‘Jesus Christ Eric, you won’t be able to move?’
‘Why not?’
‘It will take your body hours to get through all that.’
‘I brought a protein shake for after it as well, or should I drink it before?’
‘For Gods sake don’t eat anything more or you will be f*&^%$ before the ride.’
He thought about what he said and turned and looked out the window. This time as he sat looking out the window I definitely saw his shoulders shaking.
‘Are you OK Doug?’
‘Yeah,’ he croaked, ‘just thinking of something I saw last night, it was funny.’
We arrived at the car park to see Gerry Duffy and Andrew Fay getting themselves ready. I wanted to look for evidence of them being creamed up but I decided against it as I didn’t really know them well enough to be caught looking and I didn’t want to ask them either. A thought crossed my mind as I looked at Gerry getting set up. Here was a man who did an Ironman and I suppose in a way he could be called a Man of Steel. In the comic tradition the Man Of Steel is Superman. So there I was looking at ‘Superman’ getting ready for the ride. But Andrew was standing beside him and I had a vision of Batman & Robin instead of Superman. But it was Batman & Robin as portrayed by Del Boy and Rodney in Only fools & Horses. Gerry was Rodney and Andrew was Del Boy! I felt really bad about this so I put the thought from my head and tried not picture the episode where they turn up at the funeral dressed as Batman & Robin ….
Off we went on the bikes. It was a nice flat cycle to the base of the ‘Cut’. About 10 miles. As we cycled along we chatted about this and that. In my training the longest I have cycled is about 20 miles so when we were nearly at the base I was congratulating myself on getting this far. Gerry then informed me that at a certain point up the ‘Cut’ there was a defibrillator and proceeded to give me instructions on how to self-administer the device.
We took the last turn and finally the ‘Cut’ was in front of me. We set off. I insisted to the lads that they not wait on me but go on ahead. The words were only half way out of mouth when I noticed their backsides disappearing around the distant bend.
The Ascent.
I settled into a nice easy rhythm in my absolutely lowest gear. I controlled my breathing and counted my cadences (?) and kept my rhythm going. Breathe, push, pedal, breathe, push, pedal…
After 5 minutes of this torture I just abandoned that completely and started blowing like a beached whale as I realised this tussle wasn’t going to be as easy as I had imagined.
At last I reached the first bend and thought to myself, well done there can’t be much further to go! I was sorely disappointed as I rounded the next bend and saw this hill continued. That must be it I thought. The lads are probably off their bikes and enjoying the view.
No! I was wrong again. After the third bend I caught a glimpse of the road in the distance. A mountain, I thought, we are riding up a bleedin mountain! I set my sights on the next bend, determined to reach it. With this unwavering resolve now gripped firmly by the throat I took a brief moment to stop and rest my legs! Pace yourself Eric I thought. Don’t blow out at the start of the ride. I mounted once more and away I went.
10 minutes later I was still cycling up the hill.
All the time I was expecting the lads go whizzing by me. Maybe something happened to them I thought. I looked at my surroundings and realised there were no more houses around me. The wind whistled in my ears and it hit me that I was cycling through the set of one of those movies where bad things happen to people who stray of the beaten track. There were no signs of life and now my movie filled imagination started to fill in the gaps. Wrong Turn, The Hills Have Eyes, Hostel, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Jeepers Creepers….
I felt claustrophobic as the trees hemmed in the road on either side and seemed to funnel me up the ‘Cut’. In the distance I saw something jump across the road. As I approached – very slowly – I saw it was a large frog. Uggggghhh! No, it was a rat I. That was a sign surely of Bad Things. Even the rats were running away from the Bad People from the movie. As I got closer I saw it was a Nutri-Grain wrapper blowing in the wind. Whewww! What a close shave!
10 minutes later I was still cycling up the hill.
At this point the weather cleared a bit and I had a fantastic view of the surroundings. The view is breathtaking. But then so is trying to cycle up the bleedin mountain so I felt this was a little unfair. The view should have been ordinary or the type that you would look at and say – yeah, it’s alright, NOT breathtaking or anything…
10 minutes later I was still cycling up the hill.
I was now convinced the lads had come down by a back door and were now at the bottom laughing their heads of at the new boy still trying to go where no cyclist had gone before. It was with this thought in mind that I noticed something in the distance. It was bright and yellow and for a minute I wondered what Big Bird from Sesame Street was doing here. Then I saw it was moving too fast. It was the lads! Thank God!!
As Doug went whizzing by me he shouted ‘You can turn back if you want toooooooo’. All of a sudden I was back in the Aquathons trying to swim the 750m in Lilliput and the canoeist was over to me saying ‘grab the boat, it’s not cheating, you are allowed to…’
I gripped the handlebars and got out of the saddle and said ‘NO’. I will complete this ride. With this firm determination evident on my face Gerry Duffy whizzed by and shouted ‘You are nearly there, nearly thereeeeeee…’
That thoroughly deflated me. You see I have a theory. In anything I have taken part in so far I have found the Marshalls to be great if slightly twisted with the truth. When I am ragged and running out of steam a Marshall always seems to shout ‘go on, you’re nearly there, nearly there.’ And afterwards you find out you weren’t but the Marshall was trying to help you because you looked in bits. So now I thought, Jaysus, it must be miles away… and I must be in bits because Gerry is telling me I am nearly there…. but Lo! and Behold! As I turned the next bend I could see a sign! It was a sign. I was nearly there. I gathered myself and the last remnants of my strength and powered up the last section at just short of a crawling pace. At the peak I punched the air like Rocky! I then nearly fell of the bike on the gravel but fortunately retained control. At last, at last I was up the ‘Cut’. Go me, I thought. I reckon it took me about 40 minutes to do.
The Descent.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… six minutes later I was at the bottom having realised that if God had wanted us to move that fast he would have given us wheels instead of legs.
The Aftermath.
In fairness I have to say it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be and I really enjoyed the feeling of reaching the top. The lads were great and gave great encouragement. It was the longest time I have ever spent in the saddle and as I sit and type this I have come to the conclusion that I will be well creamed up for the next ride.
Regards
Eric
